I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
It's shark week go big or go home
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
