a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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