there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
