I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
