i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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