All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
