Rock
Scissors
Fuck
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
