did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
