Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
