If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
