I think my vagina is haunted
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
