Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
