i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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