We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
