Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
MIDGETS
????
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
