you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
If I die, sorry about rent.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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