I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
