You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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