You're so nebulous sometimes
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
