i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
