Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
