Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I didn't notice because vodka
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
