i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
