Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
So much rum. So many feels.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
