Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
