youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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