I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
