Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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