The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
