I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
