Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
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