Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
