I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
