dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
