Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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