seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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