I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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