I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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