Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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