I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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