If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
