Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
