the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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