Where is the hickey?
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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