Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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