So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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