My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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