Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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