This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
