Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
