I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
