The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I just googled if crying burns calories
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
