This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
