I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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