I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Randomize
