just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Randomize
