M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
