Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
